Helping the dying
by Nikhil Gangoli
I have had no experience with death and dying. My
grandparents and a few other friends and relatives died in
my lifetime but I was too young and not skillful enough to
help them at the times of their deaths.
The content of this article has been sourced from the
Tibetan book on Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. This is
a modern classic and introduces the Tibetan Buddhist
tradition in a way which can be applied in our modern,
westernized world. The chapter titled Heart Advice on
Helping the Dying is itself worth 50 times the cost of the
book. To obtain your copy please click on the link above.
A dying person at the time of death is in such a
situation that he or she is leaving behind all that he has
clung to and been familiar with all his life. Wealth, fame,
prestige, family, friends, power all is being left behind.
Rinpoche asks us to put ourselves in the place of the person
who is dying at the time of death. He asks us to imagine
ourselves on an ocean-liner or a journey to the unknown. You
have no choice in the matter, the ship is already on its way
out and our friends and family are on the shore to wish us
goodbye. What would we want from our friends who had come to
see us off in that situation? Remember you can never come
back and that you have no choice - you have to leave. With a
little use of the imagination we will be in a better
position to help the person at the time of death and dying.
Sogyal Rinpoche gives a lot of important advice. I have
attempted to summarize some important points in this
article. For more detailed help please read his book.
1.At the time of death and dying give the person room to
express her feelings. Allow her to express any and all her
feelings. The dying person feels fear, panic, grief, rage,
in different proportions. By allowing her to express those
feelings by empathizing with them we can offer immeasurable
help.
2.Give the suffering person permission to die. Rinpoche
speaks of persons whom he had met or heard of who were
approaching death and were dying. But they were burdened by
their responsibilities, by the fact that their family
depended on them. Sogyal Rinpoche says that many dying
persons refused to let go and suffered many weeks of
suffering and agony. By giving such a person permission to
die his family would make his passage much easier.
3.Establish trust and open communication; be yourself.
Your job is to behave naturally and let the person open up.
Use humor skillfully in such situations. This will establish
better communication.
4.Do not interrupt, deny or diminish the persons
feelings. At the time of death the dying person needs to
feel and express his feelings. This is the way he can be
free of them and meet his end peacefully.
5.Do not intrude your spiritual beliefs. Do not try to
convert or impose your spiritual beliefs on the dying person
at the time of death. It will not help. On the other hand if
the dying person expresses a wish to learn about your
beliefs, do not hold back.
6.At the time of death the dying person may make you the
target of his grief and rage. This is not unexpected. The
person who is dying is in the deepest crisis of his life.
Dont take it personally if he takes out his feelings on you.
7.Do not expect too much of yourself. This is only so
much that you can do. In the ultimate analysis people will
die as they have lived. Do not expect miracles.
8.Technique to help you empathize. Rinpoche says that
dying persons long to be touched, long to be treated as
living persons and not as diseased. A great deal of
consolation can be given to the very ill simply by touching
their hands, looking into their eyes, gently massaging them,
holding them in your arms or breathing in the same rhythm
gently with them.
Rinpoche also describes 2 techniques for feelings and
expressing unconditional love towards the dying at the time
of death. Very often, due to past issues and sufferings, we
may have feelings of guilt and anger towards the dying at
the time of death. Rinpoche says that if you try to put
yourself in the place of the dying person you will have a
better idea of what the person needs and feels. You will
then be in a position to accept the dying person
unconditionally.
For more articles on helping the dying at the time of
death please sign up for my free newsletter at the Eastern
Philosophy website.
Stay tuned for more articles in this continuing series.
For more articles in this continuing series and a free
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visit
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sign up for the Free newsletter.
Nikhil Gangoli is a keen student of eastern Philosophies
and Meditation techniques. His Eastern Philosophy website
gives concise and and insightful descriptions of these life
transforming techniques and concepts. You will never look at
the world in the same way again. |
Dying? Not Me! Why you
should plan for Transition
by C. Bailey-Lloyd/LadyCamelot
Remember the Eulogy projects we had to write back in High
School? Death is a tough subject to broach, and many would
rather deny death then embrace it. Someone once said,
"...There are only two guarantees in life: Death and Taxes."
How true is this phrase? It is normally when we are faced
with the imminence of dying or death that we only begin
making plans or arrangements for our transition.
Having firsthand knowledge, it is very difficult to
experience the physical death or passing of a loved one. It
is even more taxing when you are subjected to last-minute
funeral arrangements when physical death does occur.
To gain better insight in dealing with death, and to
establish a better understanding of death altogether, I
present the following:
I personally dont like the word "death" myself; so I
prefer to call it "transition." While it is vital to
focus on our living it is equally important to focus on our
physical departure as well. We often view this passing as a
permanent end to life. And, in all actuality, physical death
after physical life is imminent. Like everything in nature,
the cycle of physical life begins with physical birth and
ends with physical death. Our earthly bodies are merely
shells that provide housing to our living energy. Because
energy is neither created, nor destroyed, it can only
transform. So, in retrospect, physical death is the death of
the physical being, but never the inner being, or soul.
This is what I refer to as the "transition."
That being said, we now redirect our attention to our
transition plans. I never quite realized the meticulous
details that surround deaths event. Funerals just dont "happen."
They take planning, organization and a great deal of
in-depth research and modus operandi. Just as painstakingly,
we pre-arrange parties, receptions, births, and weddings. Of
course, the aforementioned are much easier with which to
deal. They are "living" and "vital" events, so we dont mind
contending with them. But mention the word, "death," and
suddenly, we shy away from it. We shelter ourselves from the
reality of death as long as we can because we fear it.
Through my own experience, Ive learned that the best way to
deal with physical death is to embrace it. After all, it is
a natural occurrence in human life. We cannot choose "Option
C," when we only have options A and B. Below our some common
excuses people use with regard to funerals: "But Im not
dying - why should I plan for death?""Im too young to worry
about that kind of stuff...""It wont be a big deal, Im
getting cremated anyway...""Ive got my whole life to live.
Who cares about funerals now?""Why should I worry about
planning a funeral now? I need to focus on living
instead...""How can you even ask such a thing?" Really, the
above answers are an all-too-common means of running away
from death. It is much easier to remain in denial. The truth
is that anyone can die at any given moment - death is not
picky. And remember, when - not if-- our
physical death does happen, we leave behind our
legacies, our coworkers, families, friends and even our
pets. Have we thought about them? Of course we have. We love
the people and living creatures that are part of our lives.
And the thought of being without them can be heartbreaking.
The imprints we leave with them create a lasting and loving
impression. The last thing we want our friends and family to
do during our transition is to plan our individual funerals
for us. Preplanning our funerals eases the financial
and emotional burden on our family members and is one of
lifes greatest virtues we can bestow (upon our families).
Funeral Arrangements are an Individual Choice
Ask yourself the following Questions:
What will you wear?
Cemetary or Mausoleum?
Cremation?
If you choose to be cremated, would you like your ashes
placed in an urn or scattered? Embalmment?
Church Services or Funeral Home Services?
Do you wish to donate your body to those in need medically;
scientific research, etc?
Do you know what type of vault and casket youd like?
Do you prefer a viewing and/or funeral motorcade procession?
Would you like someone to sing at your funeral?
If youre an Armed Forces Veteran, do you wish to be buried
in a National or local cemetery? Would you like full Veteran
burial?
These are just a few, detailed questions you will need to ask yourself
when planning your funeral. Next items to research are cost.
Remember that funerals can be as simple or elaborate as you
wish - but do you have adequate life insurance to cover the
cost? According to the National Funeral Directors
Association (NFDA),
98% of American funeral homes offer preplanning options to
families; and three ways individuals can prepay a funeral
are:
A licensed funeral director can establish a regulated trust.
A life-insurance policy can be purchased, equal to the value
of the funeral. Individuals can establish a savings or
certificate of deposit account earmarked for funeral
expenses. The account can be designated as "payable on
death" (POD) to the funeral home.
In addition to prepayment, the NFDA offers invaluable
insight with their "Bill of Rights for Funeral
Preplanning." See their guidelines below:
"An ethical and reputable NFDA funeral home will ensure the
following rights and protections:
Provide you with detailed price lists of goods and services
before you make your selections.Provide to you, at the
conclusion of the funeral arrangement conference, a written
statement listing all of the goods and services you have
purchased and the price.Give you a written preneed funeral
contract explaining, in plain language, your rights and
obligations.Guarantee in the contract, that if any of the
goods or services you have selected are not available at the
time of need, goods and services of equal or greater value
will be substituted at no extra cost.Explain in the contract
the geographical boundaries of the funeral homes service
area and under what circumstances you can transfer the
preneed contract to another funeral home if you were to
relocate, or if the death were to occur outside of the
service area.State in the contract where and how much of the
funds you pay will be deposited until the funeral is
provided.Explain in the contract who will be responsible for
paying taxes on any income or interest generated by the
preneed funds that are invested.Inform you in the contract
whether, and to what extent, the funeral home will guarantee
the price of goods and services you are purchasing. If the
prices are not guaranteed, the contract will explain who is
responsible for any additional amounts that may be due at
the time of the funeral.Explain in the contract whether and
under what circumstances you may cancel your preneed
contract and how much of the funds you paid will be
refunded.
Because death, or transition, is inevitable it is our
responsibility to make arrangements for our funerals
before they occur. Though sometimes, a daunting task,
preplanning our transition can be an enlightening experience
that enables us to appreciate life that much more. Dont wait
until its too late.
For more information on options and preplanning funerals,
please visit the National Funeral Directors Association at
NFDA. If
you would like to share your story or experience, we always
welcome your insights.
An insightful prose on "transition" can be read here:
Fly Away.
© 2005 - All Rights Reserved Dying? Not Me! Why you
should plan for Transition By C. Bailey-Lloyd/LadyCamelot
About the Author: C. Bailey-Lloyd/LadyCamelot is the
Public Relations Director & Staff Writer for
<strong>Holistic Junction</strong> -- Your source of
information for
Holistic Practitioners;
Acupuncture Schools,
Chiropractic Schools,
Massage Therapy Schools, and
Reflexology Schools.
C. Bailey-Lloyd/LadyCamelot is the Public Relations
Director & Staff Writer for
<strong>Holistic Junction</strong> -- Your source of
information for
Chiropractic Schools |
